I’m not sure how anyone in London moves smoothly from one job to the next. Yesterday I found a couple of vacancies that looked interesting and so sent off my CV* only to receive a phone call from the agency** a full 10 seconds after I pushed the send button. After an uncomfortable few moments where I had to quickly exit the office so no-one heard my conversation while explaining to the agent in a breathy whisper that I was “just nipping outside” he tells me that I’m perfect for the job.***
“What rate are you looking for?” The Agent asks excitedly.****
“A squillion pounds a minute!” replies my brain.*****
“I will have to look at the job description before I give you answer on that” I explain.******
Next we talk about the Interview times and the when they want the successful applicant to begin. This raises two points. Firstly, what disease I must create to get the morning / afternoon off (or whether this time I should invent some appointment I can’t miss)******* and secondly, how I’d get out of my one month notice period if I do get the job.********
Looking for work is a full time job in itself. Which I wouldn’t mind except the pays terrible, the guilt’s even worse and it forces you to behave like a double agent for a dodgy branch of the old KGB.********* Maybe I should just become a two time Whitbread Award winning novelist and spare myself all the hassle.
*Which, might I add, is sharper than a Ginsu knife.
**This is the first hurdle. Agents work on behalf of the employers and because they are impartial middle men, tend to be hyperactive and misleadingly optimistic about your suitability for the job.
***See what I mean.
****Obviously having finished his eighth coffee of the day.
*****Having just finished its ninth.
*******Dentist, GP, Andrologist.
********Almost every job wants you to start “immediately” but every employment contract expects you to give 4 weeks notice. It just doesn’t make sense. Why? Why?
*********The branch with moustaches.