I’m all recovered. Feel happy and bonny and gay again.
It’s hot today. Vicious rumours going round that it’ll top 29 degrees. My lower back is moist from the excursion of making a coffee and drinking it. I’m a bit of a sweater, me. I find it embarrassing especially when people say “Ew, you’re sweaty”.
"Yes, I am,” I reply, wiping my eyebrows. “It’s a mechanism my body uses to cool down so that I don’t overheat and die.”
The kinder people - or fellow sweaters - always tell you some nonsense that perspiring by the bucket load is a much healthier occupation than being dry and austere. Apparently we work through the toxins faster. Apparently.
When did sweat get so gross? It goes hand in hand with smelling bad, I guess. We don’t like terrible smells, it offends us. Luckily, I don’t smell when I sweat - well, hardly ever. I’m naturally quite a neutral smelling person. I haven’t relied on my judgement either. Oh no, I’ve asked around. The general consensus is although I may be a bit moister than most folk, I definitely don’t smell bad.
Some people say it’s attractive. I try not to be sceptical. I can understand that one man’s kvetch can be another man’s come-on. Pheromones in sweat are basically our randy hormones. Ironically, every deodorant and anti-perspirant commercial, since the dawn of advertising, has inforced the opposite concept: “IF YOU SWEAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER HAVE SEX WITH THAT ATTRACTIVE BOY/GIRL AND WILL ULTIMATELY DIE ALONE.” A new campaign has sexy mermaids trying to capture young men, with the slogan “Girls prefer dry guys.” The message is clear: “IF YOU SWEAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A GORGEOUS MERMAID AND YOU WILL ULTIMATELY DIE ALONE.” Really they should be saying "IF YOU DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND MAKE SURE YOU WASH REGULARLY THE PHEROMONES THAT ARE PRODUCED NATURALLY IN YOUR SWEAT WILL HELP ATTRACT A MATE" but I guess they wouldn’t sell much roll-on that way.
I bet Jennifer Anniston never sweats. Actually I read somewhere that actress’s get their sweat glands sown up so they don’t spoil their fabulous dresses. I think they can inject botox or something and it clogs up the pores. There are numerous mags in the UK dedicated to intrusive images of stars without make-up, blinking, eating, sweating; the glimmer of perspiration highlighted and magnified in another grainy box with the caption “Pamela Anderson Sweat’s like Pig!” just in case we didn’t quite get the gist - so I can’t blame them.
God I’m hot again. I shouldn’t have had that second coffee just now.