9/02/2004
 
A Guide to Having Gay Sex, for Straight People.

Don’t be surprised if your gay friend turns you down. Just because they’re gay doesn’t mean they will want to sex you.

Do watch some gay porn but don’t expect it to be the real deal. No, they're not all that big. No, not everyone has a sling. And no, you won't be able to meet anyone like him/her. They don't exist. Except in Gay Porn World™.

Don’t go cruising. You’ll only end up standing in bushes with someone who has even less idea of gay sex than you do. Or you might get mugged.

Do go to your local gay bar. But don’t get tanked and stand in the corner swaying until someone takes pity on you. Remember what your Mother always told you: smile, engage in conversation, and never follow someone into a cubicle without at least knowing their Christian name.

Don’t talk about your boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just not polite.

Don’t be worried you won’t be any good. If you’re not enjoying yourself - what’s the point? Saying that, don't whoop and clap your hands during the gay sex either.

Do expect to give oral sex. No one likes a Selfish Sam and in Gay World, oral sex is like a handshake.

Don’t be scared of sodomy - it’s not a prerequisite. But if you’re thinking “why go all the way to the Fair Ground without riding the Ferris Wheel?” make sure everyone involved gets strapped in safely. And that the Ferris Wheel goes real slow to begin with. And again, no clapping and whooping unless they've told you they’re into that.

Don’t expect lesbian sex to be all soft focus and nipple tweaking. Gay women have been doing it for a long time - they'll show you stuff that'll make your eyes pop out. Not literally, of course. Whatever anyone tells you - eye-ball popping is not a usual lesbian sex practice.

Do be gracious the morning after. Don’t yell, or cry or get angry - it’s just bad manners. Having morning sex before you leave is much more productive. It will leave a nice taste in your mouth, as well.
 

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