Awful Hallway Art

Welcome to the paintings of Johni. Since I arrived at my Ma’s apartment complex, I have been bemused by the awful art hanging in the entrance hallway. One, which I wish now I’d taken a photo of, was of a man holding a golf trophy. It was horrid. The skin colour was all wrong, the man’s head was tiny while his shoulders and hands were huge, and why, for Pete’s sake, would anyone paint someone holding a golf trophy? Ah, but I hear you say - Johni is probably about 12 years old. Perhaps his proud Mother put them up there? Give the kid a break.

But then I noticed something next to the paintings - a price tag. Little Johni was trying to sell these canvases, in a communal area, for up to 500 bucks. Next I discovered little Johni was actually sixty years old and worked in Real Estate. That was the last straw.

I suggested paying him the money just so we could dispose of the paintings and not have to see them every time we came out of the elevator. My mother suggested we steal one and send Johni pictures of us gallivanting around Wellington with it. Instead, I have decided to do the honourable thing and brutally mock him on the World Wide Web. Let’s begin!

(oil on canvas)

Ah, the sunset. A prevailing postcard image - the majesty of the great orb we call our sun setting for another night. Can there ever be too many paintings of this wonderful scene? The answer, after seeing this, is yes. With a technical skill that would make a three year old blush, Johni has tried to capture the mood of the sunset using dynamic reds and yellows. Except that he’s painted it so the sun looks like it is setting in front of the horizon. Now I can’t remember ever seeing that happen. I'm sure I'd recall thinking “oh shit, the sun is crashing into that mountain, we’re all doomed.” Looking closely at the picture I couldn’t see any tiny people running for their lives, either.

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