The other day I was walking past a second hand bookshop with one of those bargain bins out the front. I’m a sucker for a good deal so I rummaged through and bought a little gem for a mere dollar. It was entitled (The Way to Become) the Sensuous Man, written by someone called ‘M’ in 1971 and I have now come to believe that it is the best book in the whole, entire world.

On Where to Meet Women -

In the supermarket:
Wheel your Trolley alongside hers and, while she selects more goodies, wheel her trolley away. Oblivious of her pursuit, rush to the check desk.
SHE (indignant): You’ve taken my trolley.
YOU: No... surely not... (shamefaced) Yes I must have done, these look much more appetising than mine. The least I can do is pay for them.
SHE: Oh no... why should you?
By this time you’ve paid. Secure in the knowledge that all your appetites will be satisfied this evening.”

On Sexual Positions –

You sit facing each other, legs apart and stretched out (hers over your thighs). You hold each other first by the shoulders, then slowly let yourself fall backward just enough so that you are now holding each other by your outstretched hands. Now rock back and forth. This is silly, but fun, as much as sex play should be, The laughter and light in her eyes show she’s happy. The magnificent tumescence of your prick, ditto.”

The rest of the book is divided into chapters. Here are some of my favourites -

“Hints on Sacrificing Virgins”
“Thawing Out the Frigid Woman”
“Putting it In – and Out – and In – Etc”
“She Wants to Get Married – and Your Wife Won’t Let You.”

And my ulitimate fav:

“Every Twenty-Eight Days! Red, Red Everywhere.”

This book carries even more weight when you realise that it was the biggest selling non-fiction title of ‘71. Those were better times, man – simpler.

When my day has been so uneventful that, in comparison, watching paint dry would seem like a visual symphony, I may dip into this book. Ah, Drew – there’s so much for you to learn.

Yeah, yeah, email me

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