Monthly Newsletter: Month Two. Or whatever.
You've been gone for two months now. Or something. I forget.
It's been an eventful time. You've travelled all the way to the other side
of the planet. You've started to write a novel. You've begun to find cute
people to have sex with, even in Wellington. You've bonded with your nephew. You met Aladdin.
I have been learning, too. I've learned to go to Balan's alone, or with others. I've learned it can still be fun, just not as much fun.
And that isn't all. I've finished reading that sodding novel I'd been carting around for ages. I've eaten snails and Krispy Kreme donuts for the first time. The snails were OK. The donuts were better - it's true about the glaze. Mmmm. I've found someone cute to have sex with who isn't a total bell-end. I put my back out for the first time. It's possible that the last two items were related. I met a bunch of famous people, and asked them questions. I ate a lot of small, free items of food given to me by wait staff. I bought a skirt that cost £9.99 - it still hasn't come apart yet.
The world has changed, too. The USA voted for President Bush again, and although that makes me sad, I am glad you are safe in New Zealand with the no nuclear power and with the dreadlocked politicians on skateboards, and all the drinking water. Chris and Billie have split up for good, and all of Blue have fathered children, which means there was a chartable boy band with no bummers. Kerry and Brian McFadden may or may not be back together. These are uncertain times.
My hopes for the future are simple. I hope I get a lot of Christmas presents. I hope Kate Winslet agrees to play the character kind of based on me in the film of the book. I hope I don't have to work too much over Christmas. I hope my mum buys a lot of cheese and crackers for the holidays
Oh, and I should probably wish stuff for you too, innit? I hope you enjoy your time with your family. I hope the book goes well. I hope you get a commercial for toothpaste or shaving products - you would totally rock at that. I hope you come back. I hope that, when you do, you don't forget my gift.