It’s true what they say - all work and no play does make Drew a dull boy. Might resort to posting some nudie pictures just to spice this place up a bit...
I’m back after a four day excursion up to Auckland to celebrate my friend Jeff’s birthday. Suffice to say my gay levels have been recharged and I’m on the look out for a liver donor.
It’s a day of farewells.
Goodbye teeth stains. Smoking, coffee – you wreaked havoc on my enamel. Now the dentist has chipped you away with an incredibly painful scraper device.
Goodbye coffee. You were a great friend - loyal – but as my last addiction, you have to go. You stain my teeth and I don’t want to go through that gum bleeding scraping again any time soon.
Goodbye Mother free apartment. It was beautiful. Satre was right - hell is other people.
Goodbye half bottle of wine.
Goodbye ability to form sentences.
Is it possible to get homesick for London after spending all day on white sand beaches with my sister and her friends, tanned to within an inch of my life and sitting now, dripping with aloe vera, my tummy full of pan fried capsicum and melted cheese on toast?

Well, yes it is - I meant that to be a rhetorical question, but yes - and before you start penning me angry emails from “the northern and currently less Summery” hemisphere let me explain why.

I am invited to Belle’s book launch. I received an email from her publisher type people a few weeks ago and it has been burning a hole in my inbox. Not only is there no-one here to really appreciate the news (I’ve tried explaining the Belle phenomenon but it only results in polite questions, ending in a silence, before one of them mutters ‘Geek’ under their breath) but fans are going to be disappointed that not only is Belle unable to make her own launch, but Drew can’t be there either.
Or maybe I am Belle... and I quote:
Stanley Pain: Where do you plan to retire to?

Belle: Somewhere with fewer newspapers, at least until summer.
Somewhere that rhymes with Blue Zealand? Think about it. It could be me. It could. Don’t go. Please! OK, it’s not me. I was just kidding. You’re right, that shtick has been milked to death. Dead horses whipped. Won’t mention it again. Well, it looks like my secret identity will survive another day. Sorry! Come back!

In other news a guy at the pool said I was a beautiful swimmer, commenting on my butterfly. I don’t even think he was fruity. Maybe that Metrosexual bug everyone was talking about in ‘99 has finally made it’s way down here.

I had some down time today - as it’s known in the biz - where instead of writing, I simply sat at the computer shaking my head and, occasionally, shrugging. And when I say ‘some’ I really mean ‘almost a whole day of’. And when I say ‘shrugging’ I really mean ‘sobbing gently’.
I’m punishing my lack of productivity by going to bed early and setting the alarm for seven. That’ll teach me.
I have officially been back in New Zealand for three months. Let’s look at what that means *turns on Projector and picks up pointing wand*

Three months equals:

91.3105497 days
2 191.45319 hours
7889231.49 seconds
14 chapters of various finishedness
55,000 words (ish)
3 trips to Pound
3.4 encounters of a sexual nature
1 haircut
2 waxings (one pro, one home jobby)
5 hangovers
2 Ad Auditions
1 trip to the dentist
3 visits to Work & Income
2 trips to the Theatre
2 new pair of shoes (bringing the grand total to 3)
5 trips to the cinema
3 old friends caught up with
65 trips to the swimming pool
39,000 lengths
1 impossibly cute Scuba Diving Instructor two lanes along at 2pm sharp each day
1 disappointing election
1 devastating tsunami
36 nappies changed
720 seconds holding breath while changing nappies

Three down, three to go.

And I'm only on B's...

beef sniper
blonde mafia

I'm posting all over the show today! *Sips eighteenth cup of joe*

You know you've made it big when you get added to the urban dictionary. I especially like definition number five:
Some Jew from some stupid ass O.C. show in which crazy bitches throw things around and yell a lot.

Get over it, Adam Brody will never find you attractive you pre-teen little bitch.
Take that pre-teen Adam Brody lovin' bitches!
Man, you women bloggers are going off! You really are. I think I love you all. You don't tend to talk about your new ipod as much as "men", and you divulge personal stuff about your feelings and shit. Being gay I'm blessed with some of that empathy goo you women practically ooze, but it comes so naturally to you, and without an internal conflict to go out and hunt a lion or something.

And funny! Don't get me started! You freak me out with your funny. Who knew?

I'm such a hag fag.

Remember this? Well, my sister stole it today. She didn’t even know about my Awful Hallway Art series – she was simply thieving because she thought it would look good in her new flat.

I don’t know what worries me more - her kleptomania or her taste in art.

*thinks about it* Definitely the latter.

We had a brief discussion, in which I cemented my position as the squarest brother in the world ©, and she stormed off. But not, I discovered, before returning the offending painting.

When I saw it hanging up there on the wall, I had the distinct feeling I could hear Johni laughing at me from afar.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this list of the Top 100 Overlooked Films of the 1990’s. Imagine all the money, labour and contracts with the Devil you must have to sign to get your film made, only for it to become a movie that time forgets. It breaks my heart.

Films I’ve recently watched only because they were underrated in the 1990’s:
Babe: Pig in the City
It has the mice! I’d forgotten about the mice!
That Thing You Do!
Should have seen this years ago if only for Johnathon Schaech. And the song. And Johnathon Schaech’s mouth. But mostly for Johnathon Schaech’s mouth.
Before Sunrise
Christopher made me watch this before I left London. I did enjoy it even though its so wanna be art house.

Films I’ve always meant to see but never get out even when I have the opportunity at the video store:
The Sweet Hereafter
For Sarah Polly. But a film that centers around all the children in a small village being killed doesn’t exactly leap off the shelf at you.
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Because I’m always going on and on about Lost Highway.

Films I lie and say “Oh yeah, sure, I’ve seen it, it’s great, don’t you think?”:
Heavenly Creatures
Jacob’s Ladder
Truly, Madly, Deeply

Films I’ve actually seen and recommend you do too, or at least lie and say you have:
Dead Again
Few people do creepy like Kenneth Branagh. To be honest, he doesn't really have to try hard. Made when he and Emma were still an item.
Welcome to the Dollhouse
Makes (the also brilliant) Ghost World seem “normal”
Richard 3
“My kingdom for a horse” but he means a tank. Get it?
The Icestorm
Ang Lee. Sigourney Weaver with a bull whip. Christina Ricci before her head got freakishly big.
The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
I went on a date with a girl to this film. That’s how long ago it was.
The Butcher Boy

I also note that Mystery Men is 100th on the list. It was on telly the other night but I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. I guess some movies are overlooked for a reason.

There’s a Youth Hostel on the other side of the road. It didn’t have a sign up until recently and I thought it was a block of private apartments. I was eating breakfast when I noticed a middle aged couple walking around naked on the third floor. After they showered they threw off their towels and jumped back into bed. The next afternoon, in the same room, I noticed a Rasta in a striped beanie and a beard rolling a cigarette as he watched the cars go by on the street below. A Korean girl hanging up her clothes to dry. A blonde man reading a book. A pretty, long haired girl who swung her legs dangerously over the balcony as her friend took her picture with a digital camera. I don’t mind anymore if they find me watching. I’m only troubled that, when they do, absent-mindedly, I’ll wave.
Peter Jackson has decided to film ‘The Lovely Bones’ after he finishes King Kong. They had a sound bite on the news, from the owner of the ‘Official Lord of the Rings Website’ who explained “there is some disappointment amongst fans that after King Kong, Jackson is not making a feature film of The Hobbit.”
Give it a rest, Ringsy - you got a friggin’ trilogy. Sheesh.
It can be confusing living in two different countries. My wardrobe, for example. The cheap H & M tees I buy in London I can wear with pride in Wellington because no one knows where I bought them from. Vice versa, the generic shirts I buy here will look exotic back in the UK. I just have to remember which t-shirt to wear where. Here’s some other comparisons I’ve noticed...

Good Food.
NZ: thick wheels of sushi (tofu), apples so juicy the juice runs down your arm, jalapeño corn chips, bread which doesn’t go stale the moment you buy it, toffee pops. The crisps are too salty, the baked beans are too sweet, however.
The UK: filled sandwiches at Tesco’s, cheap curries, French wine, tubs of coleslaw for under fifty pence, Swiss chocolate, jaffa cakes. The canned beetroot is too salty, on the other hand.

Yoof Culture.
NZ: boy racers, skaters, goths, hippies, surf boys and girls, hip hop, drum and base, house (techno), underage drinking, P (crystal meth), Rinse (GHB), legal herbal pills, loads of Mary Jane, boredom, teenage pregnancy, binge drinking.
The UK: lad culture, ladettes, skin heads, pikes, Essex girls, thugs, random acts of violence, coke, pills (ecstasy), speed, hash, binge drinking, girls who swear and chew gum, pissing on the side of the road, football, more football, even more football, weird football chants, beating up people because of football.

NZ: go to the beach or the bach (holiday home) where you burn your own sausages.
UK: spend thirteen hours at Heathrow and eventually board a plane to Majorca only to spend three days with a quarter of a million other vacationing Brits.

NZ: So far left it’s practically wearing sandals. The Labour government is currently enjoying unprecedented popularity after many a term in power. Even so, the lefties are not complacent. On New Years’ Eve I was handed a condom which read “Don’t let National (the opposition) screw you.”
UK: So centre-left it’s practically wearing brogues and a pin striped suit.

National Dream.
NZ: To make enough money to retire early, buy a bach and grow fat.
UK: To get on the property ladder.

Question and Answer

Whatever happened to Christopher?
We would arrange to meet and he would cancel at the last moment, or make out he was surprised I wanted to commit to an actual time to do stuff. My relationships, however casual, do not work on flexi time. So I didn’t return his call. Or his text. I think he’s back in Australia now.

What’s the sordid event you hinted at a few weeks ago? You know, when you stopped blogging for a while?
My Ma and I weren’t getting on. We’re over it now, happy families again. She’s in London visiting my sister Amber for a few weeks so I have her place to myself. Then what I’ll probably do is live between my other sister’s flat and my Ma’s apartment to spread the love.

You haven’t mentioned Christmas? What did you do?
I still wasn’t speaking to my Ma at that point so it was a bit dreadful. I was invited to spend Christmas with Holly’s partners family, which I did. We had a huge meal - all the Festive stuff - but I was in a bit of a funk. I’ve decided to have an anti-Christmas next year. I think I might start up a business, there’s definitely a market. The Jews will be in for one.

And what about New Years?
My friend Sam flew down from Auckland and stayed with me. We spent all New Years day looking for a muddler to make cocktails and in the evening I nearly got in a fight at a House Party. It wasn’t my fault. The guy was kicked out and I was given a bottle of vodka to drink from because I was so brave. Between you and I, I could have taken the guy.

I missed the London lot on New Years too.

How’s the writing going – honestly?
It keeps going better than I expect, honest. I really like being a full time writer.

What’s the weather like?

Horrible. Everyone’s complaining. A recent headline stated ‘Tourists, Kiwis flee New Zealand “Summer”. Still better than freezing your tits off in London, though.

Anything troubling you?

I’m spending more money than I should. I have to save up enough for my flight home. I worry I’m not going to finish in time, but I guess its what keeps me motivated. My eyebrows are getting a bit bushy.

Bump into anyone you know?
Actually, I’ve seen quite a few people from High School recently. Just got in contact with one of my oldest and dearest friends. He has a two year old kid now. He might come and stay. I hugged my Sixth Form Classics teacher when I saw her in the street.

How’s Harri?

He’ll be walking any day soon.

You know asking yourself questions in the third person is a little, you know, wanky? And this post isn’t funny at all...

Yeah, yeah, email me

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