Ten Tips

1. Swimming: When doing freestyle, keep your head facing the bottom of the pool and swivel to breathe. If you look forward your spine isn’t aligned. You’ll swim slower and get more aches in your neck and shoulder.

2. Search Engines Optimization: It’s all about inbound links. And keywords. I used to work for a top SEO company blah blah but it was so boring I forgot everything I knew. But I think it’s about links.

3. Shakespeare: Some people say breathe at the commas, others at the end of the line. Imagine he wrote it half an hour ago and pretend you’re Patrick Stewart always got me top marks.

4. Writing: Write as fast as you can. The good stuff happens when you’re not looking.

5. Music: Smooth grooves are the same as funk. I called a guy on it who was promoting a club. He told me the truth as long as I promised to keep it secret.

6. Cleaning: Use vinegar and scrunched up newspaper to clean glass. No streaks.

7. Flirting: Barmen (and women) are easy to pick up. They may seem cold and aloof, but in reality they’re bored and used to slimy customers. If you’re nice and persevere they’ll be putty in your hand. As long as you don’t get too drunk over the course of the evening and fall off the bar stool that is.

8. Babies: Prepare yourself for explosive nappies. I don’t know what they’re feeding kids these days but you will not want to inhale until that thing is in the dumpster a few streets over. And babies wriggle. I can’t warn you enough, people.

9. Laundry: Turn your jeans inside out when you wash them. And check for tissues. In every pocket. Twice. I’m still picking lint off my levis after the paper napkin incident of ’99.

10. Baking: I’ve lost the recipe for our family’s secret chocolate gateaux, but I can tell you it contained natural yoghurt and coffee.

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