12/05/2005
 
Lust in Translation

How are you? I im sleepy. Have gest got home. And you?

Oh dear, his English isn’t very good. Well that doesn’t matter. We had a connection. And a connection like ours is more than language, more than the physical - though the physical was pretty good as well. Mental note: I should start trimming again. Just because its winter, doesn’t mean I should get tardy with my manscaping.

I better text him back:

Hi, I’m really good. Busy day too. Would you like to come over to my house for dinner on Wednesday night?

That might be a bit wordy. Don’t want to overpower the boy with all your greater command of the English language do we? Let’s strip it down a little:

I’m good. Dinner at my house on Wednesday?

Should I kiss?

I’m good. Dinner at my house on Wednesday? x

Best not.

I’m good. Dinner at my house on Wednesday?

#

Oh God, it’s been hours. Why hasn’t he replied yet?

I. not sure. Work mabe. Night Chico malo

What the hell? What’s a Chico Malo when it’s at home. I hope he’s not calling me fat. I hope it’s not Spanish for chunky. Maybe he didn’t understand the question? Maybe I should text again? Or call him? Or go over there?

Steady on. Steady. Turn off the phone. Turn. It. Off.

You’re playing it cool, remember. He can text you next. That’ll teach him.

#

Hee guapo, what did you do today?

It’s been two days now and we’re still to progress past the daily pleasantries. I’m beginning to forget what he looks like. Worse, I’m beginning to forget what he looks like naked. He never did get back to me about dinner on Wednesday…

Yeah, I’m great. Just eaten a huge meal. How are you?

That’s great. Great. Why don’t you tell him you ate the olive that fell onto the floor while you’re at it?

Yeah, I’m great. Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday

Too needy

Yeah, I’m great. Looking forward to the weekend

Better. Now finish with something racy to remind him what he’s missing…

Yeah, I’m great. Looking forward to the weekend ;)

There it is.

#

That was quick

Am working now Sat. Sorry. have you finshed the book?

What? So he can’t see me this weekend now either? Sheesh. And why would I have finished the book?

Back to the more pressing point – does he like me or is he stringing me along? Why would he keep up such regular texts if he didn’t want to see me again? I wish I could ask him:

Hey, are you planning to see me again buster? Cos if not, you can bugger off. I ain’t no ones text patsy

God, delete it quick.

No, text back something breezy.

Ok, that’s a shame. Talk soon.

Oh, I like that. Decisive. Yes, you hold the power in this relationship.

#

He how are you? I am very tired. Staying in tonight like good boy. You?

Well, I’m staying in too now it seems. How can he be so tired all the time? He’s not an Ambulance driver or a Mother of three for chrissake. He’s a bloody male model.

Don’t text him back. He can’t treat you like this. You deserve more… respect. So don’t text him. Make him beg.

#

Hola are you ok? I txt you yesterday?

See it worked! He’s eating out of the palm of your hand! Victory! Stay aloof. It’s the only way you can last the distance with the super pretty guys.

But what if he’s sad?

I’m going to text him:

Yeah, I’m fine. What are your plans this weekend?

I am tired, not going out? You? Are you going clubking?

That’s it. This is over. Over. I haven’t spoken to or seen him in over a week. This is not going well. It. Is. Over. Why would I be going clubbing? He is an idiot. He is probably an idiot in his native language too. We have nothing in common. It would be more interesting texting a calculator.

How do I break up with him though? I want a clean end to our relationship. This could drag on for weeks.

I could text him I guess?

Best not.

I’ll give him the cold shoulder instead. Less dramatic. Delete his old messages. Do it now. Delete them all. Even the saved ones. All the saved ones. Now, turn off your phone. That’s it.

All communication has now been officially suspended.

I’ll miss him, I think. Those little beeps brightened up my day.

I hope he doesn’t suffer over it.

Maybe I should text him goodbye?

No, put down the phone.

One way or another, he’ll get the message.
 

Yeah, yeah, email me

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sites what I write on:
londonist

sites what I wrote on:
über: I haven't been completely honest
somewhat.org: on the up

blogs:

christopher
elizabeth

boys:

tlc
homorobotic
sex, lies & videotape
diamond geezer
vivid blurry
raw youth
secret simon
learn swedish
the rob log
why god why
a beautiful revolution

girls:

dooce
afrochic
belle de jour
pound
jems web
lindsayism

pulse:

timmy ray
link bunnies
link machine go

fantastic blogs:

a light fantastic
a chair fantastic
a rug fantastic
a kitchen fantastic
a bed fantastic
a clock fantastic

tools:

life hacker
i hate work
hi-gloss film production



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